Give and Take
May. 19th, 2009 09:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
christinekhOriginally Posted: 2/11/02
Spoilers: Night Five
Rating: PG
Summary: When Donna is offered another job, she and Josh are forced to discover what their friendship really means.
Disclaimer: Disclaimers: None of the characters on which this fic is based belong to me. They belong to Aaron Sorkin, NBC, Warner Bros. and many others. I am only borrowing from them and make no profit
~~~~~
“I talked to Sam last week.” It’s the end of another long day and Donna is in my office organizing the myriad files that I have haphazardly thrown across my desk.
“Josh, you talk to Sam every day.” There’s not as much bitterness in her tone as there has been lately, but it’s not our usual banter either.
“We talked about a lot of things – the Congo, Amy, the internet.”
“I already told you I’m not taking the job. Why are we discussing this again?” She is becoming annoyed with me, something that has occurred with alarming frequency this past month.
”Maybe because I still think we need to discuss WHY you didn’t take the job.” I find my tone has begun to match hers and strive to be gentler. I think it’s more complicated than I didn’t take the job, which was about all she wanted to share with me at the time.
“Because it’s always about you, isn’t it? Whatever you want to discuss?” Her voice is still bitter and she looks as if she’s close to tears. I want to hug her and tell her we can fix this, this thing that has been looming between us, but I’m not sure we can and I’m not really sure if she wants to fix it.
“No, its not. Listen, I just want to talk. We used to do that a lot. Remember? But lately? Not so much.” She stops organizing the folders, but I don’t think she’s ready to sit down and have a real discussion yet. But it’s something we need to do, so I decide to start with what happened in CJ’s office. “Last week … with Billy … did it remind you of … me?” I have barely managed to speak the words, these words that are so hard, when her panicked eyes flash to mine.
“Yes!” She nearly shouts the word and she looks scared. “No ... Yes …” She says it softer the second time and she doesn’t look quite as panicked. “I kept thinking that that woman could have been me. If you had … died … I don’t know what I would have done.”
I think that this is the most honest we have been with one another about that time. I’m still trying to cope with my own feelings about it. Some nights, I wake up in a cold sweat, shaking with fear and pain. And while fighting with my demons, I’ve forgotten that those around me have also had to battle their own. I’m not the only one with emotional scars. The people who love me, and whom I love, have them too. And I am saddened to realize that I am just now finding out what a profound effect all this has had on Donna.
“I try not to think about it, but sometimes, it scares me. Knowing that you almost died and knowing that I would have been alone, without you. If you had died, I couldn’t have stayed here. What would I have done? Worked for a new Deputy Chief of Staff? Not when I would have still been grieving for you.” She stops then, and I sense that she thinks she has revealed too much. I can see her try to back-pedal and get some of that lost ground back. “You gave me a chance when anyone else would have laughed in my face. You let me be a part of the system.”
“The other night reminded me of what’s important. This job, these people, us. That’s why I drove halfway across the country in my beat up old car. I was looking for a new start. I thought that Governor Bartlet was a good man and that he would make a great President. And I was right. That’s why I turned the job down. What we do here is so much more important than anything else I could be doing right now. I don’t want to just let people know what’s going on in their government. I want to be a part of it.” She’s gotten past the grief and has become passionate about her role in the White House. Working closely with me has allowed her access to things no ordinary assistant would be privilege to. I can hardly imagine Margaret arguing about policy with Leo the way that Donna argues with me. The thought makes me smile.
I am shaken out of my musings to realize she is still speaking. “Remember when I first showed up in your office at campaign headquarters? I said I wanted to be valuable. I still do. But I’m not sure I am to you anymore.” She looks so very sad and I want to hug her again.
“You ARE. You’re very valuable to me.” I say the words softy, and hope that she can understand what I mean. I need her to see how much I need her. I need her to see that I would be lost without her. I am reminded of what Sam told me – give and take. I take so much from her and now it‘s time for me to give. It’s not something that comes easily to me. “I’ve been distracted lately. I’m sorry. But there’s never gonna be anyone more valuable than you, Donnatella. I wouldn’t be able to do what I do, every day, without you. You have to know that by now.”
“I do, but sometimes you act like all I am is the girl who answers your phone and keeps your schedule. I don’t want to be that girl, Josh. I want to know that I can be more. And Casey was offering me more. But when it came time to choose, I realized all of this,“ -- she gestures widely at me, my office and beyond -- “is what’s important to me. You are important to me. So I decided to stay.”
“I’m important to you?” I’m surprised but also oddly relieved.
“Yes! Why has it taken you so long to understand that?”
There is an easy answer to that, but not one that I’m ready to explore just yet. So instead, I decide to tease her a little. “Nice way to stamp your foot there, Donnatella.”
“Honestly, Josh, I wouldn’t have to if you paid attention a little more often.”
“Are you saying I don’t pay attention to you?” This is good, I think. The banter is starting to come back.
“Maybe.” And it is with that one word that I realize that it will take more than a little banter to solve our problems.
I resolve myself to making her feel wanted, valuable and important. I start with being honest. “I want to fix us,“ I say seriously, to let her know I mean this. I want to fix this problem between us and there’s no way to do that without acknowledging that it exists.
“I don’t think we’re broken, just a little bruised.” She is calm, not panicked, hostile or upset. I think we’ve gotten past the worst of it now. “It’s going to take more than just a few words, Joshua. Trust me again. Don’t shut me out anymore. Stop telling me about Amy. Oh, and I’m going to need the whole weekend off.” She says the last part with an impish grin.
And I smile back at her.
~ End ~
Spoilers: Night Five
Rating: PG
Summary: When Donna is offered another job, she and Josh are forced to discover what their friendship really means.
Disclaimer: Disclaimers: None of the characters on which this fic is based belong to me. They belong to Aaron Sorkin, NBC, Warner Bros. and many others. I am only borrowing from them and make no profit
~~~~~
“I talked to Sam last week.” It’s the end of another long day and Donna is in my office organizing the myriad files that I have haphazardly thrown across my desk.
“Josh, you talk to Sam every day.” There’s not as much bitterness in her tone as there has been lately, but it’s not our usual banter either.
“We talked about a lot of things – the Congo, Amy, the internet.”
“I already told you I’m not taking the job. Why are we discussing this again?” She is becoming annoyed with me, something that has occurred with alarming frequency this past month.
”Maybe because I still think we need to discuss WHY you didn’t take the job.” I find my tone has begun to match hers and strive to be gentler. I think it’s more complicated than I didn’t take the job, which was about all she wanted to share with me at the time.
“Because it’s always about you, isn’t it? Whatever you want to discuss?” Her voice is still bitter and she looks as if she’s close to tears. I want to hug her and tell her we can fix this, this thing that has been looming between us, but I’m not sure we can and I’m not really sure if she wants to fix it.
“No, its not. Listen, I just want to talk. We used to do that a lot. Remember? But lately? Not so much.” She stops organizing the folders, but I don’t think she’s ready to sit down and have a real discussion yet. But it’s something we need to do, so I decide to start with what happened in CJ’s office. “Last week … with Billy … did it remind you of … me?” I have barely managed to speak the words, these words that are so hard, when her panicked eyes flash to mine.
“Yes!” She nearly shouts the word and she looks scared. “No ... Yes …” She says it softer the second time and she doesn’t look quite as panicked. “I kept thinking that that woman could have been me. If you had … died … I don’t know what I would have done.”
I think that this is the most honest we have been with one another about that time. I’m still trying to cope with my own feelings about it. Some nights, I wake up in a cold sweat, shaking with fear and pain. And while fighting with my demons, I’ve forgotten that those around me have also had to battle their own. I’m not the only one with emotional scars. The people who love me, and whom I love, have them too. And I am saddened to realize that I am just now finding out what a profound effect all this has had on Donna.
“I try not to think about it, but sometimes, it scares me. Knowing that you almost died and knowing that I would have been alone, without you. If you had died, I couldn’t have stayed here. What would I have done? Worked for a new Deputy Chief of Staff? Not when I would have still been grieving for you.” She stops then, and I sense that she thinks she has revealed too much. I can see her try to back-pedal and get some of that lost ground back. “You gave me a chance when anyone else would have laughed in my face. You let me be a part of the system.”
“The other night reminded me of what’s important. This job, these people, us. That’s why I drove halfway across the country in my beat up old car. I was looking for a new start. I thought that Governor Bartlet was a good man and that he would make a great President. And I was right. That’s why I turned the job down. What we do here is so much more important than anything else I could be doing right now. I don’t want to just let people know what’s going on in their government. I want to be a part of it.” She’s gotten past the grief and has become passionate about her role in the White House. Working closely with me has allowed her access to things no ordinary assistant would be privilege to. I can hardly imagine Margaret arguing about policy with Leo the way that Donna argues with me. The thought makes me smile.
I am shaken out of my musings to realize she is still speaking. “Remember when I first showed up in your office at campaign headquarters? I said I wanted to be valuable. I still do. But I’m not sure I am to you anymore.” She looks so very sad and I want to hug her again.
“You ARE. You’re very valuable to me.” I say the words softy, and hope that she can understand what I mean. I need her to see how much I need her. I need her to see that I would be lost without her. I am reminded of what Sam told me – give and take. I take so much from her and now it‘s time for me to give. It’s not something that comes easily to me. “I’ve been distracted lately. I’m sorry. But there’s never gonna be anyone more valuable than you, Donnatella. I wouldn’t be able to do what I do, every day, without you. You have to know that by now.”
“I do, but sometimes you act like all I am is the girl who answers your phone and keeps your schedule. I don’t want to be that girl, Josh. I want to know that I can be more. And Casey was offering me more. But when it came time to choose, I realized all of this,“ -- she gestures widely at me, my office and beyond -- “is what’s important to me. You are important to me. So I decided to stay.”
“I’m important to you?” I’m surprised but also oddly relieved.
“Yes! Why has it taken you so long to understand that?”
There is an easy answer to that, but not one that I’m ready to explore just yet. So instead, I decide to tease her a little. “Nice way to stamp your foot there, Donnatella.”
“Honestly, Josh, I wouldn’t have to if you paid attention a little more often.”
“Are you saying I don’t pay attention to you?” This is good, I think. The banter is starting to come back.
“Maybe.” And it is with that one word that I realize that it will take more than a little banter to solve our problems.
I resolve myself to making her feel wanted, valuable and important. I start with being honest. “I want to fix us,“ I say seriously, to let her know I mean this. I want to fix this problem between us and there’s no way to do that without acknowledging that it exists.
“I don’t think we’re broken, just a little bruised.” She is calm, not panicked, hostile or upset. I think we’ve gotten past the worst of it now. “It’s going to take more than just a few words, Joshua. Trust me again. Don’t shut me out anymore. Stop telling me about Amy. Oh, and I’m going to need the whole weekend off.” She says the last part with an impish grin.
And I smile back at her.
~ End ~
